This week’s scoop-
The weather made headlines again this week as weary holiday travelers found themselves stuck at airports across the nation. Heavy snow, sleet, and ice left people who were trying to make it home for the holidays jammed into airports as hundreds of flights were delayed or cancelled. Many who were sleep deprived made makeshift beds out of luggage and airport chairs to try and get some sleep in between flights. Others were so hungry they considered eating airline food, but most were smart enough to eat their luggage and airport chairs instead. When asked for comment on the unusual meal choices all one passenger had to say was “you say po-tay-to…I say po-tah-to.”
Now that Christmas is over, retailers are trying to desperately to turn a profit by using unorthodox methods to get people to spend money. Even local governments are scrambling to come up with ideas to make it through these tough times. Some states are considering selling or leasing assets such as local parks, bridges, and lotteries to raise needed cash. For example, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is considering privatizing their state lottery, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is rumored to be considering selling her wardrobe, and Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be selling a Senate seat…oh wait, that is so he could raise some cash. Potato…potato.
Speaking of Governor Blagojevich, his refusal to resign is causing confusion in Illinois. The Governor has continued to go to work, sign legislation, and issue pardons, despite being charged on several criminal counts. It is unclear as to whether the Governor has the authority to continue working as Governor while he is under investigation. Many feel that if he is impeached, most of the things he has worked on will face a great deal of scrutiny. For example, supposedly he is working on setting up fines for those who mispronounce his name. Governor Blagojevich was also rumored to be working on a law to pardon Governors who try and sell United State Senate seats. When asked for comment on whether these items were ethical, all he had to say was Potato…potato.
Finally, a woman in Irvine California bought a box of crackers with $10,000 in it. Debra Rogoff bought a box of Annie’s Sour Cream and Onion Cheddar Bunny from a local Whole Foods, and opened it to find an envelope full of crisp one hundred dollar bills. The Rogoff family knew this was someone else’s money and immediately called police to report their finding. The Rogoff’s were correct. Apparently, an unidentified Lake Forest, CA women decided that the cracker box would be a safer place to put her money than a bank. She then mistakenly returned the box to the store and thought she had lost her life savings. Coincidentally a Utah women made the same mistake, only she put her life savings in a bag of potatoes. When asked to comment on why she didn’t use a bank she said…well I think you all know.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
This week’s scoop-
Most of the nation has been hit hard this week with harsh winter weather not usually seen until later in the season. Cities in the Midwest and the Northeast came to a screeching halt when snow and ice knocked out power lines and affected roadways. Even Las Vegas received the worst snowfall in three decades. The weather forced topless dancers to go on stage with thermal pasties and fur lined g-strings. The 3.6 inch snowfall even shut down the airport prompting the Las Vegas visitors’ bureau to temporarily change their slogan to “What happens in Vegas will make you stay in Vegas, no really”.
The miserable weather only added to the problems retailers are facing this holiday season. Consumer spending is reported to be sharply down this year forcing merchants to take drastic measures to make up for slumping sales. Many stores have extended shopping hours and have offered deep discounts to spur sales. Reportedly some department stores are giving away the fragrance Heiress by Paris Hilton to attract shoppers. Actually, it turns out they are just giving it away because no one in their right mind would want to buy it. This just in…retailers are giving away the new fragrance Believe by Britney Spears, Inspire by Christina Aguilerra, and all the other tabloid darling perfumes. All, that is, except for Jessica Simpson’s Fancy because…well who doesn’t want to smell Fancy sometimes.
Speaking of fancy, Wall Street won’t have anything of the kind this bonus season. Most firms have slashed payouts as well as jobs leading many to feel less than merry this holiday season. Credit Suisse has even announced a plan to pay out bonuses from their bad debts, employing what they feel is a fair risk reward strategy. Some are speculating that other industries will follow suit in order to placate investors. In fact, it has been leaked that Kraft Foods is toying with the idea of paying out bonuses with mayonnaise and blue cheese dressing (not the low-fact kind mind you), and Tyson Foods may be paying out bonuses in chicken wings. Apparently, the executives of the two companies plan to have one hell of a Super Bowl party to celebrate!
In more unusual news, nuns who own a New York City apartment filed a lawsuit against the tenants of one of their apartment buildings, stating they are stinking up their building. The nuns say that the horrible food and other smells were similar to that of vomit or rotten meat. Apparently, when police investigated the complaint, they only found executives from Kraft and Tyson foods, who had coincidentally been wearing their surprise bonus of Jessica Simpson’s Fancy, indulging in their Christmas bonuses. Now that’s what I call a party! Happy Holidays from the Scoop!
Most of the nation has been hit hard this week with harsh winter weather not usually seen until later in the season. Cities in the Midwest and the Northeast came to a screeching halt when snow and ice knocked out power lines and affected roadways. Even Las Vegas received the worst snowfall in three decades. The weather forced topless dancers to go on stage with thermal pasties and fur lined g-strings. The 3.6 inch snowfall even shut down the airport prompting the Las Vegas visitors’ bureau to temporarily change their slogan to “What happens in Vegas will make you stay in Vegas, no really”.
The miserable weather only added to the problems retailers are facing this holiday season. Consumer spending is reported to be sharply down this year forcing merchants to take drastic measures to make up for slumping sales. Many stores have extended shopping hours and have offered deep discounts to spur sales. Reportedly some department stores are giving away the fragrance Heiress by Paris Hilton to attract shoppers. Actually, it turns out they are just giving it away because no one in their right mind would want to buy it. This just in…retailers are giving away the new fragrance Believe by Britney Spears, Inspire by Christina Aguilerra, and all the other tabloid darling perfumes. All, that is, except for Jessica Simpson’s Fancy because…well who doesn’t want to smell Fancy sometimes.
Speaking of fancy, Wall Street won’t have anything of the kind this bonus season. Most firms have slashed payouts as well as jobs leading many to feel less than merry this holiday season. Credit Suisse has even announced a plan to pay out bonuses from their bad debts, employing what they feel is a fair risk reward strategy. Some are speculating that other industries will follow suit in order to placate investors. In fact, it has been leaked that Kraft Foods is toying with the idea of paying out bonuses with mayonnaise and blue cheese dressing (not the low-fact kind mind you), and Tyson Foods may be paying out bonuses in chicken wings. Apparently, the executives of the two companies plan to have one hell of a Super Bowl party to celebrate!
In more unusual news, nuns who own a New York City apartment filed a lawsuit against the tenants of one of their apartment buildings, stating they are stinking up their building. The nuns say that the horrible food and other smells were similar to that of vomit or rotten meat. Apparently, when police investigated the complaint, they only found executives from Kraft and Tyson foods, who had coincidentally been wearing their surprise bonus of Jessica Simpson’s Fancy, indulging in their Christmas bonuses. Now that’s what I call a party! Happy Holidays from the Scoop!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-December 14, 2008
This week’s scoop-
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested this week on corruption charges. Specifically, Blagojevich was accused of trying to make a profit from President-Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald has been following the Governor’s dealings for some time now, suspecting him of participating in fraud. His suspicions were confirmed in wire-taps of the Governor’s phone calls, where Blagojevich blatantly asked for money and favors in return for the Senate seat. If convicted Governor Blagojevich could face up to 30 years in prison, but the greater punishment will be 30 years without hairspray for his comb-over.
The pay for play scheme has outraged Illinois residents. Blagojevich continues in the footsteps of a long line of Illinois Governors that have been faced with corruption charges. In fact, he is the fourth consecutive Illinois Governor that has been accused. It is so bad that Illinois’ legislators have decided to make mug shots and fingerprints part of the inaugural ceremony.
The Illinois scandal has taken the spotlight away from what may be the largest investment fraud in U.S. history. Investment guru Bernie Madoff confessed to running a Ponzi scheme, with losses estimated over $50 billion. Although some are shaken by fraud, others said there were plenty of red flags that should have tipped off investors. Suspicious activity included paper statements, lack of auditing, and payouts to investors in Monopoly money. Investors are trying to look at the bright side by focusing on the fact that Monopoly money is now worth more than the U.S. dollar.
Finally, in more unusual news a pizza deliveryman fought off a gunman this week with the only weapon he had, a pizza. It was not just any pizza; it was a hot pepperoni pizza. Apparently, the scalding pizza was enough to stave off the gunman while the 40-year old delivery man ran to safety. In related news a Taco Bell cashier was able to injure a gunman who was trying to rob the store by convincing him to eat the new Volcano Crunchwrap Supreme. Now that’s thinking outside the bun!
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested this week on corruption charges. Specifically, Blagojevich was accused of trying to make a profit from President-Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald has been following the Governor’s dealings for some time now, suspecting him of participating in fraud. His suspicions were confirmed in wire-taps of the Governor’s phone calls, where Blagojevich blatantly asked for money and favors in return for the Senate seat. If convicted Governor Blagojevich could face up to 30 years in prison, but the greater punishment will be 30 years without hairspray for his comb-over.
The pay for play scheme has outraged Illinois residents. Blagojevich continues in the footsteps of a long line of Illinois Governors that have been faced with corruption charges. In fact, he is the fourth consecutive Illinois Governor that has been accused. It is so bad that Illinois’ legislators have decided to make mug shots and fingerprints part of the inaugural ceremony.
The Illinois scandal has taken the spotlight away from what may be the largest investment fraud in U.S. history. Investment guru Bernie Madoff confessed to running a Ponzi scheme, with losses estimated over $50 billion. Although some are shaken by fraud, others said there were plenty of red flags that should have tipped off investors. Suspicious activity included paper statements, lack of auditing, and payouts to investors in Monopoly money. Investors are trying to look at the bright side by focusing on the fact that Monopoly money is now worth more than the U.S. dollar.
Finally, in more unusual news a pizza deliveryman fought off a gunman this week with the only weapon he had, a pizza. It was not just any pizza; it was a hot pepperoni pizza. Apparently, the scalding pizza was enough to stave off the gunman while the 40-year old delivery man ran to safety. In related news a Taco Bell cashier was able to injure a gunman who was trying to rob the store by convincing him to eat the new Volcano Crunchwrap Supreme. Now that’s thinking outside the bun!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-December 7, 2008
This week’s scoop-
This week on Meet The Press, President Elect Barack Obama warned that the economy is going to get much worse. The combination of job losses, problems in financial markets, and the weakening of the global economy all point to even more challenging times ahead and Mr. Obama wants Americans to brace themselves for the worst. To try and help ease the situation, President Elect Obama is looking at all options to help Americans feel better. Among ideas he is rumored to be considering are more tax cuts for the middle class, free ice cream cones once a week, and Xanax with every bank statement. Change is coming.
President Elect Obama also introduced his new national security team this week. With America fighting two wars, and the spread of terrorist activity such as what was seen in Mumbai, the announcement of this team was seen as being as important as the announcement of his economic team. Marine General Jim Jones will be the National Security Advisor, Robert Gates will stay on as Secretary of Defense, and not surprisingly Senator Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State and White House ball breaker. Former President Bill Clinton reportedly will play a silent role offering up Xanax to those who meet with his wife. Change is coming.
The CEOs of three of the Nation’s automakers went before Congress again this week, to make a better case for a much needed bailout package. In contrast to the private jets that they traveled in on their last Washington trip, the auto execs traveled by hybrid car to make a better impression. The CEOs said they were willing to do anything necessary to convince Congressional officials that they need a bailout package to survive. Among the proposals offered were new negotiations with the UAW, pay cuts to $1 a year, and Xanax with every auto purchase. When President Bush was asked if he too would take a pay cut to show the American people that he knew how serious the economic problems were he said he would consider it next year, but was interested in the Xanax now. Change is coming.
The economy is so bad that a trendy New York boutique is trying to cash in on the tough times by offering complimentary soup and coffee to lure in shoppers. The shop is appropriately called 1929, and sells high-end fashion to New York’s elite. When customers were asked what they thought of the marketing ploy, they said it was ok but were more interested in the shop down the street called 2009. The store was rumored to be offering free soup, coffee, and Xanax to customers. Change is here.
This week on Meet The Press, President Elect Barack Obama warned that the economy is going to get much worse. The combination of job losses, problems in financial markets, and the weakening of the global economy all point to even more challenging times ahead and Mr. Obama wants Americans to brace themselves for the worst. To try and help ease the situation, President Elect Obama is looking at all options to help Americans feel better. Among ideas he is rumored to be considering are more tax cuts for the middle class, free ice cream cones once a week, and Xanax with every bank statement. Change is coming.
President Elect Obama also introduced his new national security team this week. With America fighting two wars, and the spread of terrorist activity such as what was seen in Mumbai, the announcement of this team was seen as being as important as the announcement of his economic team. Marine General Jim Jones will be the National Security Advisor, Robert Gates will stay on as Secretary of Defense, and not surprisingly Senator Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State and White House ball breaker. Former President Bill Clinton reportedly will play a silent role offering up Xanax to those who meet with his wife. Change is coming.
The CEOs of three of the Nation’s automakers went before Congress again this week, to make a better case for a much needed bailout package. In contrast to the private jets that they traveled in on their last Washington trip, the auto execs traveled by hybrid car to make a better impression. The CEOs said they were willing to do anything necessary to convince Congressional officials that they need a bailout package to survive. Among the proposals offered were new negotiations with the UAW, pay cuts to $1 a year, and Xanax with every auto purchase. When President Bush was asked if he too would take a pay cut to show the American people that he knew how serious the economic problems were he said he would consider it next year, but was interested in the Xanax now. Change is coming.
The economy is so bad that a trendy New York boutique is trying to cash in on the tough times by offering complimentary soup and coffee to lure in shoppers. The shop is appropriately called 1929, and sells high-end fashion to New York’s elite. When customers were asked what they thought of the marketing ploy, they said it was ok but were more interested in the shop down the street called 2009. The store was rumored to be offering free soup, coffee, and Xanax to customers. Change is here.
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