This week’s scoop-
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested this week on corruption charges. Specifically, Blagojevich was accused of trying to make a profit from President-Elect Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat. U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald has been following the Governor’s dealings for some time now, suspecting him of participating in fraud. His suspicions were confirmed in wire-taps of the Governor’s phone calls, where Blagojevich blatantly asked for money and favors in return for the Senate seat. If convicted Governor Blagojevich could face up to 30 years in prison, but the greater punishment will be 30 years without hairspray for his comb-over.
The pay for play scheme has outraged Illinois residents. Blagojevich continues in the footsteps of a long line of Illinois Governors that have been faced with corruption charges. In fact, he is the fourth consecutive Illinois Governor that has been accused. It is so bad that Illinois’ legislators have decided to make mug shots and fingerprints part of the inaugural ceremony.
The Illinois scandal has taken the spotlight away from what may be the largest investment fraud in U.S. history. Investment guru Bernie Madoff confessed to running a Ponzi scheme, with losses estimated over $50 billion. Although some are shaken by fraud, others said there were plenty of red flags that should have tipped off investors. Suspicious activity included paper statements, lack of auditing, and payouts to investors in Monopoly money. Investors are trying to look at the bright side by focusing on the fact that Monopoly money is now worth more than the U.S. dollar.
Finally, in more unusual news a pizza deliveryman fought off a gunman this week with the only weapon he had, a pizza. It was not just any pizza; it was a hot pepperoni pizza. Apparently, the scalding pizza was enough to stave off the gunman while the 40-year old delivery man ran to safety. In related news a Taco Bell cashier was able to injure a gunman who was trying to rob the store by convincing him to eat the new Volcano Crunchwrap Supreme. Now that’s thinking outside the bun!
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-December 7, 2008
This week’s scoop-
This week on Meet The Press, President Elect Barack Obama warned that the economy is going to get much worse. The combination of job losses, problems in financial markets, and the weakening of the global economy all point to even more challenging times ahead and Mr. Obama wants Americans to brace themselves for the worst. To try and help ease the situation, President Elect Obama is looking at all options to help Americans feel better. Among ideas he is rumored to be considering are more tax cuts for the middle class, free ice cream cones once a week, and Xanax with every bank statement. Change is coming.
President Elect Obama also introduced his new national security team this week. With America fighting two wars, and the spread of terrorist activity such as what was seen in Mumbai, the announcement of this team was seen as being as important as the announcement of his economic team. Marine General Jim Jones will be the National Security Advisor, Robert Gates will stay on as Secretary of Defense, and not surprisingly Senator Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State and White House ball breaker. Former President Bill Clinton reportedly will play a silent role offering up Xanax to those who meet with his wife. Change is coming.
The CEOs of three of the Nation’s automakers went before Congress again this week, to make a better case for a much needed bailout package. In contrast to the private jets that they traveled in on their last Washington trip, the auto execs traveled by hybrid car to make a better impression. The CEOs said they were willing to do anything necessary to convince Congressional officials that they need a bailout package to survive. Among the proposals offered were new negotiations with the UAW, pay cuts to $1 a year, and Xanax with every auto purchase. When President Bush was asked if he too would take a pay cut to show the American people that he knew how serious the economic problems were he said he would consider it next year, but was interested in the Xanax now. Change is coming.
The economy is so bad that a trendy New York boutique is trying to cash in on the tough times by offering complimentary soup and coffee to lure in shoppers. The shop is appropriately called 1929, and sells high-end fashion to New York’s elite. When customers were asked what they thought of the marketing ploy, they said it was ok but were more interested in the shop down the street called 2009. The store was rumored to be offering free soup, coffee, and Xanax to customers. Change is here.
This week on Meet The Press, President Elect Barack Obama warned that the economy is going to get much worse. The combination of job losses, problems in financial markets, and the weakening of the global economy all point to even more challenging times ahead and Mr. Obama wants Americans to brace themselves for the worst. To try and help ease the situation, President Elect Obama is looking at all options to help Americans feel better. Among ideas he is rumored to be considering are more tax cuts for the middle class, free ice cream cones once a week, and Xanax with every bank statement. Change is coming.
President Elect Obama also introduced his new national security team this week. With America fighting two wars, and the spread of terrorist activity such as what was seen in Mumbai, the announcement of this team was seen as being as important as the announcement of his economic team. Marine General Jim Jones will be the National Security Advisor, Robert Gates will stay on as Secretary of Defense, and not surprisingly Senator Hillary Clinton will be Secretary of State and White House ball breaker. Former President Bill Clinton reportedly will play a silent role offering up Xanax to those who meet with his wife. Change is coming.
The CEOs of three of the Nation’s automakers went before Congress again this week, to make a better case for a much needed bailout package. In contrast to the private jets that they traveled in on their last Washington trip, the auto execs traveled by hybrid car to make a better impression. The CEOs said they were willing to do anything necessary to convince Congressional officials that they need a bailout package to survive. Among the proposals offered were new negotiations with the UAW, pay cuts to $1 a year, and Xanax with every auto purchase. When President Bush was asked if he too would take a pay cut to show the American people that he knew how serious the economic problems were he said he would consider it next year, but was interested in the Xanax now. Change is coming.
The economy is so bad that a trendy New York boutique is trying to cash in on the tough times by offering complimentary soup and coffee to lure in shoppers. The shop is appropriately called 1929, and sells high-end fashion to New York’s elite. When customers were asked what they thought of the marketing ploy, they said it was ok but were more interested in the shop down the street called 2009. The store was rumored to be offering free soup, coffee, and Xanax to customers. Change is here.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-November 21, 2008
This week's scoop-
Detroit auto executives were the latest to line up in Washington for a handout. GM, Ford, and Chrysler sent their CEOs to make their pleas for a bailout to Congress. GM's Chairman said that without the bailout the company would face certain bankruptcy. When congressional officials asked the executives what guarantee they would have that the money would be spent wisely, in desperation the executives reportedly said that they would pinky swear that things would turn around.
Many taxpayers are outraged by the bailout talks for the automakers. In response to the outcry Congressional leaders are considering putting stipulations on the negotiated aid package. Among the rumored list of requirements would be decreased compensation for executives, negotiations with the UAW to bring down costs, and the mandate to make cars that don't suck. When the beleaguered executives were asked if these guidelines could be met, they said yes, they double pinky swear.
President Elect Barack Obama made a lot of progress in making top appointments to his cabinet. Among those chosen were Tom Daschle who was nominated to be Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Timothy Geithner was nominated to be Secretary of the Treasury. Meanwhile Alaska Governor Sarah Palin also made progress in her cabinet by filling it with $150,000 of Republican funded designer clothing.
In celebrity news, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have managed to get a quick divorce. Many expected the eight-year marriage to take months to come to amicable end. This week in a London courtroom, the couple was granted a divorce within minutes. Unfortunately for Guy Ritchie, this is true to form considering the divorce lasted as long as most of his movies do in theatres.
A Nebraska man left a more lasting impression on his "viewers". The man was arrested for leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of local buildings. Police caught the man dubbed the "butt bandit" in the act on Wednesday morning. He was called the "butt bandit" because he would leave imprints of his groin or butt on windows by first greasing them up with lotion or Vaseline. A local judge recommended that part of his punishment should be clean all of the town's windows…no ifs, ands, or butts.
Finally, officials in Amsterdam have reported that they may have to close as much as one fifth of the city's marijuana clubs because of their proximity to local high schools. Local leaders began to suspect there was a problem when they noticed a spike in potato chip and beef jerky sales in high school vending machines around the time the clubs would open. Asked if they were worried about a backlash among students, they said no and that students would have to find other ways to spend their time. Coincidentally, since talk of the ban began, lotion and Vaseline sales have been on the rise.
Detroit auto executives were the latest to line up in Washington for a handout. GM, Ford, and Chrysler sent their CEOs to make their pleas for a bailout to Congress. GM's Chairman said that without the bailout the company would face certain bankruptcy. When congressional officials asked the executives what guarantee they would have that the money would be spent wisely, in desperation the executives reportedly said that they would pinky swear that things would turn around.
Many taxpayers are outraged by the bailout talks for the automakers. In response to the outcry Congressional leaders are considering putting stipulations on the negotiated aid package. Among the rumored list of requirements would be decreased compensation for executives, negotiations with the UAW to bring down costs, and the mandate to make cars that don't suck. When the beleaguered executives were asked if these guidelines could be met, they said yes, they double pinky swear.
President Elect Barack Obama made a lot of progress in making top appointments to his cabinet. Among those chosen were Tom Daschle who was nominated to be Secretary of Health and Human Services, and Timothy Geithner was nominated to be Secretary of the Treasury. Meanwhile Alaska Governor Sarah Palin also made progress in her cabinet by filling it with $150,000 of Republican funded designer clothing.
In celebrity news, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have managed to get a quick divorce. Many expected the eight-year marriage to take months to come to amicable end. This week in a London courtroom, the couple was granted a divorce within minutes. Unfortunately for Guy Ritchie, this is true to form considering the divorce lasted as long as most of his movies do in theatres.
A Nebraska man left a more lasting impression on his "viewers". The man was arrested for leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of local buildings. Police caught the man dubbed the "butt bandit" in the act on Wednesday morning. He was called the "butt bandit" because he would leave imprints of his groin or butt on windows by first greasing them up with lotion or Vaseline. A local judge recommended that part of his punishment should be clean all of the town's windows…no ifs, ands, or butts.
Finally, officials in Amsterdam have reported that they may have to close as much as one fifth of the city's marijuana clubs because of their proximity to local high schools. Local leaders began to suspect there was a problem when they noticed a spike in potato chip and beef jerky sales in high school vending machines around the time the clubs would open. Asked if they were worried about a backlash among students, they said no and that students would have to find other ways to spend their time. Coincidentally, since talk of the ban began, lotion and Vaseline sales have been on the rise.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-November 15, 2008
For those of you who read it, I am trying out something new. I want to try to cover all types of headlines, not just celebrity gossip. Let me know what you think.
This week's scoop-
The economy was on everyone's mind this week as fears of a global financial crisis worsened. World leaders even met in Washington this weekend to try to work together to come up with solutions. Leaders are doing their best to cooperate and consider all options to ease people's fears. It is rumored that Governor Sarah Palin was trying to capitalize on the political aspect of the event by offering to donate her RNC purchased wardrobe to help out. She also told world leaders that they could save money by shopping at consignment stores like she does in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska.
Another prominent political figure was back in the headlines this week. It was leaked that Senator Hillary Clinton is on the short list of candidates for the Obama Administration's Secretary of State. When asked to comment, reportedly a Clinton spokeswomen said that if Senator Clinton is not chosen she will continue to fight for the position on behalf of her supporters, or until someone makes her stop.
President Bush still has a few months left in office, and it sounds like world leaders are taking the Bush approach to economic strategy. Most agree that the economic summit in Washington would be long on talk, but short on action. When the summit group failed to come up clear recession exit strategy, in the spirit of the Bush doctrine they announced to the press "Mission Accomplished".
Wall Street reflected the uncertainty that most people are feeling about the economy. Investors sent the Dow into another roller coaster week with erratic ups and downs. It was so bad that brokers were actually seen throwing up on the trading floor from motion sickness. Pepto and barf bags will be provided at each trading post next week.
In entertainment news, it was reported that the Dark Knight's box office pull may top 1 billion dollars! Only three other movies in Hollywood history have hit that mark. This just in…news from the global summit…allegedly Sarah Palin is offering to dress up like Batman to save the economy. What a Maverick!
This week's scoop-
The economy was on everyone's mind this week as fears of a global financial crisis worsened. World leaders even met in Washington this weekend to try to work together to come up with solutions. Leaders are doing their best to cooperate and consider all options to ease people's fears. It is rumored that Governor Sarah Palin was trying to capitalize on the political aspect of the event by offering to donate her RNC purchased wardrobe to help out. She also told world leaders that they could save money by shopping at consignment stores like she does in her hometown of Wasilla, Alaska.
Another prominent political figure was back in the headlines this week. It was leaked that Senator Hillary Clinton is on the short list of candidates for the Obama Administration's Secretary of State. When asked to comment, reportedly a Clinton spokeswomen said that if Senator Clinton is not chosen she will continue to fight for the position on behalf of her supporters, or until someone makes her stop.
President Bush still has a few months left in office, and it sounds like world leaders are taking the Bush approach to economic strategy. Most agree that the economic summit in Washington would be long on talk, but short on action. When the summit group failed to come up clear recession exit strategy, in the spirit of the Bush doctrine they announced to the press "Mission Accomplished".
Wall Street reflected the uncertainty that most people are feeling about the economy. Investors sent the Dow into another roller coaster week with erratic ups and downs. It was so bad that brokers were actually seen throwing up on the trading floor from motion sickness. Pepto and barf bags will be provided at each trading post next week.
In entertainment news, it was reported that the Dark Knight's box office pull may top 1 billion dollars! Only three other movies in Hollywood history have hit that mark. This just in…news from the global summit…allegedly Sarah Palin is offering to dress up like Batman to save the economy. What a Maverick!
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