This week’s scoop-
This week, Americans heard President Obama say three words they have not heard in at least eight years from a president, “I screwed up”. President Barack Obama announced this to the media after two of his cabinet nominees had to withdraw because of tax problems. Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, withdrew on Tuesday after tax problems relating to his personal driver put his appointment at risk. President Obama is hoping that since he admitted to making a mistake, he can put the spotlight back on more positive things such as the upcoming stimulus package, what a good looking first family we have, and the fact that our new Vice President hasn’t shot anyone in the face.
Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates made headlines this week for an unorthodox technique he used to put the spotlight on the malaria epidemic in many third world countries. The billionaire philanthropist unleashed a jar of mosquitoes on an unsuspecting audience attending a technology conference in California. After releasing the mosquitoes, Mr. Gates said ‘Malaria is spread by mosquitoes…I brought some. Here, I’ll let them roam around – there is no reason only poor people should be infected.’ What was unclear to most people who heard this story was why this made headlines. After all, much of Bill Gate’s career has been spent releasing “bugs” to the general population.
The spotlight was on career gold-medalist Michael Phelps this week, after pictures of him smoking weed from a bong were released to the news media. The all-American athlete’s clean cut image took a serious blow after the pictures surfaced. Consequently, the Olympian has been suspended from swimming with the US team for three months, and also lost a lucrative endorsement deal with Kellogs’. Many believe that the Kellogs’ endorsement may only be the first of many endorsement he could lose. On the bright side, it is rumored that the potato chip, blacklight, and incense industries are very interested in offering Phelps endorsement deals.
Finally, it seems as though Phelps isn’t the only one with cannibis problems. A UK milkman was arrested this week on charges of dealing marijuana. Allegedly the delivery man was leaving more than just milk on his customers’ doorsteps. In fact, the 72 year old delivery man said he was only delivering marijuana to elderly customers who were using it to help with aches and pains related to aging. Luckily, he was only sentenced to 36 months of probation for his crimes. This just in…it is rumored that Michael Phelps may be considering an endorsement deal for the UK milk industry.
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Sunday, February 8, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
2 Minute Scoop-February 2, 2009
This week’s scoop-
This week most Americans were gearing up for Super Bowl XLIII. The Arizona Cardinals will be facing the Pittsburgh Steelers in this year’s match up. Traditionally, the Super Bowl is a time when most people set aside what is going on in the world to focus on the true national pastimes of watching sports, eating junk food, and drinking yourself under the sofa. The economic woes put a bit of a damper on some people’s festivities this year. Increased sales of cheaper beer and even cheaper advertising proved to be clear indicators of the state of the economy. MillerCoors decided to combine the two and take cheap advertising to new lows with a one second beer commercial. You may be asking yourself, what could they possibly put in a one second commercial? Well, it is rumored that the commercial will feature a game watcher passed out on the sofa, beer in one hand, hot wings in the other with the caption “BEER GOOD”. Sounds like great advertising to me, and a steal at only $100,000 a second. Who says American companies don’t know how to spend their money wisely.
Although the Super Bowl occupied most people’s thoughts this week, Americans were also very interested in newly elected President Barack Obama’s first full week in office. President Obama spent much of the week undoing much of what his predecessor George W. Bush had put in place. President Obama changed the “jackets required” policy at the White House, put in orders to close “Gitmo” before the end of 2009, and imposed a requirement for all his staff to know how to say the word “nuclear”.
Former President George W. Bush spent his first week back as a civilian at his Crawford Texas Ranch. Although it was where he spent most of his presidency, apparently W was still happy to be back at the “Western White House”. The forty-third President reportedly spent most of his week getting back into the swing of things by cutting down brush, riding his horses, and putting up a big banner in front that said “Mission Accomplished…Mostly”. Former Vice President Dick Chaney was also happy to be back in Texas. He kicked off his first civilian week by lobbying for Halliburton, shooting a friend in the face, and putting himself in charge of the Western White House.
Finally this week, the ongoing corruption scandal regarding Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich took an expected turn. In a unanimous decision the Illinois State Senate voted to impeach the Governor and ban him from ever holding public office in the state. Although this was a surprise to no one, the Governor spent the days before the hearings on a media blitz to try and rescue his position. Apparently the Governor could not be reached for comment after the impeachment hearings because he had decided drown his sorrows in hot sauce at the Philadelphia Chicken Wing Bowl. The Philly Wing Bowl is an annual event where contestants try to down as many chicken wings as possible in 20 minutes. Apparently last year’s winner downed impressive 157 hot wings, but it was no match for the Governor who was rumored to have gulped down an astonishing 203 “nu-cu-lar” wings. Unfortunately, the newly civilian Governor’s win was short lived when he was disqualified an hour after the contest for selling his chicken crown to the highest bidder. When asked to comment he said “MONEY GOOD”.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
This week most Americans were gearing up for Super Bowl XLIII. The Arizona Cardinals will be facing the Pittsburgh Steelers in this year’s match up. Traditionally, the Super Bowl is a time when most people set aside what is going on in the world to focus on the true national pastimes of watching sports, eating junk food, and drinking yourself under the sofa. The economic woes put a bit of a damper on some people’s festivities this year. Increased sales of cheaper beer and even cheaper advertising proved to be clear indicators of the state of the economy. MillerCoors decided to combine the two and take cheap advertising to new lows with a one second beer commercial. You may be asking yourself, what could they possibly put in a one second commercial? Well, it is rumored that the commercial will feature a game watcher passed out on the sofa, beer in one hand, hot wings in the other with the caption “BEER GOOD”. Sounds like great advertising to me, and a steal at only $100,000 a second. Who says American companies don’t know how to spend their money wisely.
Although the Super Bowl occupied most people’s thoughts this week, Americans were also very interested in newly elected President Barack Obama’s first full week in office. President Obama spent much of the week undoing much of what his predecessor George W. Bush had put in place. President Obama changed the “jackets required” policy at the White House, put in orders to close “Gitmo” before the end of 2009, and imposed a requirement for all his staff to know how to say the word “nuclear”.
Former President George W. Bush spent his first week back as a civilian at his Crawford Texas Ranch. Although it was where he spent most of his presidency, apparently W was still happy to be back at the “Western White House”. The forty-third President reportedly spent most of his week getting back into the swing of things by cutting down brush, riding his horses, and putting up a big banner in front that said “Mission Accomplished…Mostly”. Former Vice President Dick Chaney was also happy to be back in Texas. He kicked off his first civilian week by lobbying for Halliburton, shooting a friend in the face, and putting himself in charge of the Western White House.
Finally this week, the ongoing corruption scandal regarding Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich took an expected turn. In a unanimous decision the Illinois State Senate voted to impeach the Governor and ban him from ever holding public office in the state. Although this was a surprise to no one, the Governor spent the days before the hearings on a media blitz to try and rescue his position. Apparently the Governor could not be reached for comment after the impeachment hearings because he had decided drown his sorrows in hot sauce at the Philadelphia Chicken Wing Bowl. The Philly Wing Bowl is an annual event where contestants try to down as many chicken wings as possible in 20 minutes. Apparently last year’s winner downed impressive 157 hot wings, but it was no match for the Governor who was rumored to have gulped down an astonishing 203 “nu-cu-lar” wings. Unfortunately, the newly civilian Governor’s win was short lived when he was disqualified an hour after the contest for selling his chicken crown to the highest bidder. When asked to comment he said “MONEY GOOD”.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
Sunday, January 18, 2009
2 Minute Scoop-January 18, 2009
This week’s scoop-
This week Senate officials granted Roland Burris the Illinois Senate seat vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama. Many were surprised at the move because of the opposition Burris faced in previous weeks. The objections were not about Burris as the candidate, but rather about the choice coming from contentious Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The Governor has been charged with several crimes related to attempting to sell the Senate seat. At the start of the New Year, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that Burris would not be allowed in the Senate because of questions related to the scandal. Luckily for Burris, Reid and the rest of the Senate broke their resolution as do most Americans, by the middle of January. It is reported that the Senators not only confirmed Burris, but did so while eating cheeseburgers, chain smoking, and downing splits of Jack Daniels.
Smoking is not allowed on Commerical US flights anymore, but US Airways flight 1549 still got its share of smoke. The plane left LaGuardia airport on Thursday, and was headed for Charlotte, NC when a strange turn of events took place. Five minutes after take-off, the plane was struck by a large group of Canadian geese that caused the plane’s engines to fail. Luckily for passengers, the pilot of their plane was Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger . Sully is a 58 year old former fighter pilot who thought quick on his feet. He managed to bring the plane safely and gently into the Hudson river with no one harmed. The airline industry was glad to hear about this act of heroism since their New Year’s resolution was to get passengers comfortably to their destinations. I have just been corrected…the airlines’ resolution was just to get passengers to their destinations. Oh well, at least they made it to the middle of January.
One New Yorker who can’t fly anywhere is Bernie Madoff. The former investment guru, who is now being charged with running one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history, is under house arrest. Madoff made headlines again this week, when lawyers for the clients he defrauded tried to have him thrown in jail. Attorneys felt that Madoff had broken the requirements of his house arrest by trying to mail millions of dollars in jewelry and gifts to family members. Apparently, when Madoff was asked about the mailings, he said that he just couldn’t stick to his New Year’s resolution to not be an a**hole. It is rumored that Ann Coulter tried to come to Madoff’s defense by saying she couldn’t stick to that resolution either.
The victim of a crash in Palm Beach County, FL was not as lucky as the US Airways’ passengers. Louise Davidson, 77, was arrested Thursday for leaving the scene of a crime after crashing her car into a man on a scooter. Allegedly, the women hit the man on the scooter and kept driving so she wouldn’t miss her hair appointment. When the woman was asked why she kept going she was almost too distraught to answer because she too had broken her resolutions. Apparently her New Year’s resolutions were to not have blue old lady hair, and to be a better driver. Oh well, there’s always next year. Until then enjoy your cheeseburgers, cigarettes, Jack Daniels, bad flights, being an a**hole, bad hair and bad driving. It sounds like it is going to be a great year!
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
This week Senate officials granted Roland Burris the Illinois Senate seat vacated by President-Elect Barack Obama. Many were surprised at the move because of the opposition Burris faced in previous weeks. The objections were not about Burris as the candidate, but rather about the choice coming from contentious Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. The Governor has been charged with several crimes related to attempting to sell the Senate seat. At the start of the New Year, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said that Burris would not be allowed in the Senate because of questions related to the scandal. Luckily for Burris, Reid and the rest of the Senate broke their resolution as do most Americans, by the middle of January. It is reported that the Senators not only confirmed Burris, but did so while eating cheeseburgers, chain smoking, and downing splits of Jack Daniels.
Smoking is not allowed on Commerical US flights anymore, but US Airways flight 1549 still got its share of smoke. The plane left LaGuardia airport on Thursday, and was headed for Charlotte, NC when a strange turn of events took place. Five minutes after take-off, the plane was struck by a large group of Canadian geese that caused the plane’s engines to fail. Luckily for passengers, the pilot of their plane was Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger . Sully is a 58 year old former fighter pilot who thought quick on his feet. He managed to bring the plane safely and gently into the Hudson river with no one harmed. The airline industry was glad to hear about this act of heroism since their New Year’s resolution was to get passengers comfortably to their destinations. I have just been corrected…the airlines’ resolution was just to get passengers to their destinations. Oh well, at least they made it to the middle of January.
One New Yorker who can’t fly anywhere is Bernie Madoff. The former investment guru, who is now being charged with running one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history, is under house arrest. Madoff made headlines again this week, when lawyers for the clients he defrauded tried to have him thrown in jail. Attorneys felt that Madoff had broken the requirements of his house arrest by trying to mail millions of dollars in jewelry and gifts to family members. Apparently, when Madoff was asked about the mailings, he said that he just couldn’t stick to his New Year’s resolution to not be an a**hole. It is rumored that Ann Coulter tried to come to Madoff’s defense by saying she couldn’t stick to that resolution either.
The victim of a crash in Palm Beach County, FL was not as lucky as the US Airways’ passengers. Louise Davidson, 77, was arrested Thursday for leaving the scene of a crime after crashing her car into a man on a scooter. Allegedly, the women hit the man on the scooter and kept driving so she wouldn’t miss her hair appointment. When the woman was asked why she kept going she was almost too distraught to answer because she too had broken her resolutions. Apparently her New Year’s resolutions were to not have blue old lady hair, and to be a better driver. Oh well, there’s always next year. Until then enjoy your cheeseburgers, cigarettes, Jack Daniels, bad flights, being an a**hole, bad hair and bad driving. It sounds like it is going to be a great year!
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
Sunday, January 11, 2009
2 Minute Scoop-January 11, 2009
This week’s scoop-
This week President-Elect Barack Obama unveiled his economic stimulus plan aimed at jump-starting the weak US economy. The plan raised eyebrows with a price tag of almost $800 billion. The proposal includes tax cuts, job creation, and increases in public works projects with the hope that it won’t be too late to help. President-Elect Obama warns that doing nothing could cause the recession to linger for years and could lead to double-digit unemployment. In related news, George W. Bush is still President for ten more days. Apparently, when asked to comment on the proposed stimulus plan President Bush could not be found because he was working from his Crawford Ranch for the next ten days. Really this is code for the President is on “vacation” for the next ten days.
This week the Europeans have had an unwelcome vacation from heating oil. The Ukraine has been in dispute with Russia over gas prices, and the EU is paying the price. Over twenty percent of the European Union’s natural gas comes from Russia and the standoff between Russia and the Ukraine has left many searching for alternate ways to keep warm. It has been reported that since the gas shortage began, there has been a spike in the sale of blankets, liquor, and condoms in Europe. This just in…the EU has announced that they are on “vacation” until the gas shortage ends.
Speaking of ways to keep warm, apparently leaders of the Taliban can also be enticed by sex. The CIA recently revealed their latest method of intelligence gathering in Afghanistan, and which has raised more than just eyebrows. The Taliban Warlords have been given Viagra in return for providing the CIA with much needed information. The CIA decided to offer Viagra when intelligence offers began noticing how many wives some of the elderly leaders had to “appease”. They felt that Viagra would be a good enticement because it would be a difficult bribe to trace. That is until they realized that it became difficult to get information out of the warlords because they were always on “vacation”.
It could be safe to assume that all these “vacations” could lead to an increase in pregnancies around the world. Maybe then it is not coincidence that always forward thinking Kevin Federline has announced that he is coming out with a clothing line…for children. It is rumored that the clothing line will be called Otzi and will feature items such as baby wife beaters and blinged up track suits (with crotch snaps for diapers of course). I guess when you are baby-daddy to so many kids, you have to figure out some way to clothe them. All the time K-Fed has to spend working on his designs will keep him out of the recording studios for the next few months. Sounds like we are all getting a much needed vacation.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
This week President-Elect Barack Obama unveiled his economic stimulus plan aimed at jump-starting the weak US economy. The plan raised eyebrows with a price tag of almost $800 billion. The proposal includes tax cuts, job creation, and increases in public works projects with the hope that it won’t be too late to help. President-Elect Obama warns that doing nothing could cause the recession to linger for years and could lead to double-digit unemployment. In related news, George W. Bush is still President for ten more days. Apparently, when asked to comment on the proposed stimulus plan President Bush could not be found because he was working from his Crawford Ranch for the next ten days. Really this is code for the President is on “vacation” for the next ten days.
This week the Europeans have had an unwelcome vacation from heating oil. The Ukraine has been in dispute with Russia over gas prices, and the EU is paying the price. Over twenty percent of the European Union’s natural gas comes from Russia and the standoff between Russia and the Ukraine has left many searching for alternate ways to keep warm. It has been reported that since the gas shortage began, there has been a spike in the sale of blankets, liquor, and condoms in Europe. This just in…the EU has announced that they are on “vacation” until the gas shortage ends.
Speaking of ways to keep warm, apparently leaders of the Taliban can also be enticed by sex. The CIA recently revealed their latest method of intelligence gathering in Afghanistan, and which has raised more than just eyebrows. The Taliban Warlords have been given Viagra in return for providing the CIA with much needed information. The CIA decided to offer Viagra when intelligence offers began noticing how many wives some of the elderly leaders had to “appease”. They felt that Viagra would be a good enticement because it would be a difficult bribe to trace. That is until they realized that it became difficult to get information out of the warlords because they were always on “vacation”.
It could be safe to assume that all these “vacations” could lead to an increase in pregnancies around the world. Maybe then it is not coincidence that always forward thinking Kevin Federline has announced that he is coming out with a clothing line…for children. It is rumored that the clothing line will be called Otzi and will feature items such as baby wife beaters and blinged up track suits (with crotch snaps for diapers of course). I guess when you are baby-daddy to so many kids, you have to figure out some way to clothe them. All the time K-Fed has to spend working on his designs will keep him out of the recording studios for the next few months. Sounds like we are all getting a much needed vacation.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
***If you like reading the SCOOP, please tell your friends***
Monday, January 5, 2009
2 Minute Scoop-January 5, 2009
This week’s scoop-
This week brought in a new year, and with it thoughts of hope, change, and Oprah? That’s right, the talk show queen decided to start the year off by openly talking about her public struggle with weight. Ms. Winfrey decided to tease audiences with the “heavy” details weeks ago with short trailers for her first show of the year. The marketing genius of Oprah was seen when she decided to feature her self-described “fat” picture next to a skinny one from three years ago on the cover of her O magazine. Her loyal following is sure to feel even more connected to her after this series of open talks. Die-hard fans are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support, with slogans like “Got Fat Oprah?”, “Oprah IS the big O”, and “Fat Oprah is one of our favorite things”.
Oprah Winfrey has been one of the biggest supporters of President-Elect Barack Obama. Mr. Obama and his family left Oprah’s home city of Chicago this week, and headed for Washington. The Obamas made the transition to D.C. well before the inauguration, to allow their two girls to start school after the winter break. D.C. residents were excited to see the Obamas come to town and said they feel more connected to the President-Elect now that he is there. Die-hard supporters are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support, with slogans like “Got Obama?”, “Obama IS the big O (well except for Oprah Winfrey)”, and “President Obama is one of Oprah’s favorite things”.
Moving to Washington will not totally distance President-Elect Obama from on-going political scandals. In fact, this week Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Commerce, Bill Richardson, withdrew his name due to questions about campaign donations. The Governor of Obama’s home state of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, made headlines again this week by appointing Roland Burris to fill the US Senate seat made vacant by Barack Obama. Blagojevich made the appointment despite being charged with trying to sell the seat at the end of last year. Illinois residents felt confused by the nomination. Die-hard critics are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in opposition, with slogans like “Got Money? (it could buy you a Senate seat)”, “Blagojevich is the big Oh No You Didn’t”, and “Blago is not one of Oprah’s favorite things”.
Finally, in more unusual news a small town in central Maine is considering a business permit request for a topless coffee shop. The new titillating venue would be in a former one story hotel that has been home to several failed restraints and bars over the years. Residents have mixed feelings about the business with many concerned about the crowd the coffee shop would bring in. Die-hard supporters are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support of the business with slogans like “Got Milk?”, “Come here for the big O’s”, and “Boobies are our favorite things”.
This week brought in a new year, and with it thoughts of hope, change, and Oprah? That’s right, the talk show queen decided to start the year off by openly talking about her public struggle with weight. Ms. Winfrey decided to tease audiences with the “heavy” details weeks ago with short trailers for her first show of the year. The marketing genius of Oprah was seen when she decided to feature her self-described “fat” picture next to a skinny one from three years ago on the cover of her O magazine. Her loyal following is sure to feel even more connected to her after this series of open talks. Die-hard fans are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support, with slogans like “Got Fat Oprah?”, “Oprah IS the big O”, and “Fat Oprah is one of our favorite things”.
Oprah Winfrey has been one of the biggest supporters of President-Elect Barack Obama. Mr. Obama and his family left Oprah’s home city of Chicago this week, and headed for Washington. The Obamas made the transition to D.C. well before the inauguration, to allow their two girls to start school after the winter break. D.C. residents were excited to see the Obamas come to town and said they feel more connected to the President-Elect now that he is there. Die-hard supporters are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support, with slogans like “Got Obama?”, “Obama IS the big O (well except for Oprah Winfrey)”, and “President Obama is one of Oprah’s favorite things”.
Moving to Washington will not totally distance President-Elect Obama from on-going political scandals. In fact, this week Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Commerce, Bill Richardson, withdrew his name due to questions about campaign donations. The Governor of Obama’s home state of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, made headlines again this week by appointing Roland Burris to fill the US Senate seat made vacant by Barack Obama. Blagojevich made the appointment despite being charged with trying to sell the seat at the end of last year. Illinois residents felt confused by the nomination. Die-hard critics are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in opposition, with slogans like “Got Money? (it could buy you a Senate seat)”, “Blagojevich is the big Oh No You Didn’t”, and “Blago is not one of Oprah’s favorite things”.
Finally, in more unusual news a small town in central Maine is considering a business permit request for a topless coffee shop. The new titillating venue would be in a former one story hotel that has been home to several failed restraints and bars over the years. Residents have mixed feelings about the business with many concerned about the crowd the coffee shop would bring in. Die-hard supporters are reportedly wearing homemade T-shirts in support of the business with slogans like “Got Milk?”, “Come here for the big O’s”, and “Boobies are our favorite things”.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
2 Minute Scoop-December 27, 2008
This week’s scoop-
The weather made headlines again this week as weary holiday travelers found themselves stuck at airports across the nation. Heavy snow, sleet, and ice left people who were trying to make it home for the holidays jammed into airports as hundreds of flights were delayed or cancelled. Many who were sleep deprived made makeshift beds out of luggage and airport chairs to try and get some sleep in between flights. Others were so hungry they considered eating airline food, but most were smart enough to eat their luggage and airport chairs instead. When asked for comment on the unusual meal choices all one passenger had to say was “you say po-tay-to…I say po-tah-to.”
Now that Christmas is over, retailers are trying to desperately to turn a profit by using unorthodox methods to get people to spend money. Even local governments are scrambling to come up with ideas to make it through these tough times. Some states are considering selling or leasing assets such as local parks, bridges, and lotteries to raise needed cash. For example, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is considering privatizing their state lottery, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is rumored to be considering selling her wardrobe, and Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be selling a Senate seat…oh wait, that is so he could raise some cash. Potato…potato.
Speaking of Governor Blagojevich, his refusal to resign is causing confusion in Illinois. The Governor has continued to go to work, sign legislation, and issue pardons, despite being charged on several criminal counts. It is unclear as to whether the Governor has the authority to continue working as Governor while he is under investigation. Many feel that if he is impeached, most of the things he has worked on will face a great deal of scrutiny. For example, supposedly he is working on setting up fines for those who mispronounce his name. Governor Blagojevich was also rumored to be working on a law to pardon Governors who try and sell United State Senate seats. When asked for comment on whether these items were ethical, all he had to say was Potato…potato.
Finally, a woman in Irvine California bought a box of crackers with $10,000 in it. Debra Rogoff bought a box of Annie’s Sour Cream and Onion Cheddar Bunny from a local Whole Foods, and opened it to find an envelope full of crisp one hundred dollar bills. The Rogoff family knew this was someone else’s money and immediately called police to report their finding. The Rogoff’s were correct. Apparently, an unidentified Lake Forest, CA women decided that the cracker box would be a safer place to put her money than a bank. She then mistakenly returned the box to the store and thought she had lost her life savings. Coincidentally a Utah women made the same mistake, only she put her life savings in a bag of potatoes. When asked to comment on why she didn’t use a bank she said…well I think you all know.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
The weather made headlines again this week as weary holiday travelers found themselves stuck at airports across the nation. Heavy snow, sleet, and ice left people who were trying to make it home for the holidays jammed into airports as hundreds of flights were delayed or cancelled. Many who were sleep deprived made makeshift beds out of luggage and airport chairs to try and get some sleep in between flights. Others were so hungry they considered eating airline food, but most were smart enough to eat their luggage and airport chairs instead. When asked for comment on the unusual meal choices all one passenger had to say was “you say po-tay-to…I say po-tah-to.”
Now that Christmas is over, retailers are trying to desperately to turn a profit by using unorthodox methods to get people to spend money. Even local governments are scrambling to come up with ideas to make it through these tough times. Some states are considering selling or leasing assets such as local parks, bridges, and lotteries to raise needed cash. For example, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is considering privatizing their state lottery, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is rumored to be considering selling her wardrobe, and Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is rumored to be selling a Senate seat…oh wait, that is so he could raise some cash. Potato…potato.
Speaking of Governor Blagojevich, his refusal to resign is causing confusion in Illinois. The Governor has continued to go to work, sign legislation, and issue pardons, despite being charged on several criminal counts. It is unclear as to whether the Governor has the authority to continue working as Governor while he is under investigation. Many feel that if he is impeached, most of the things he has worked on will face a great deal of scrutiny. For example, supposedly he is working on setting up fines for those who mispronounce his name. Governor Blagojevich was also rumored to be working on a law to pardon Governors who try and sell United State Senate seats. When asked for comment on whether these items were ethical, all he had to say was Potato…potato.
Finally, a woman in Irvine California bought a box of crackers with $10,000 in it. Debra Rogoff bought a box of Annie’s Sour Cream and Onion Cheddar Bunny from a local Whole Foods, and opened it to find an envelope full of crisp one hundred dollar bills. The Rogoff family knew this was someone else’s money and immediately called police to report their finding. The Rogoff’s were correct. Apparently, an unidentified Lake Forest, CA women decided that the cracker box would be a safer place to put her money than a bank. She then mistakenly returned the box to the store and thought she had lost her life savings. Coincidentally a Utah women made the same mistake, only she put her life savings in a bag of potatoes. When asked to comment on why she didn’t use a bank she said…well I think you all know.
http://2minutescoop.blogspot.com/
Saturday, December 20, 2008
This week’s scoop-
Most of the nation has been hit hard this week with harsh winter weather not usually seen until later in the season. Cities in the Midwest and the Northeast came to a screeching halt when snow and ice knocked out power lines and affected roadways. Even Las Vegas received the worst snowfall in three decades. The weather forced topless dancers to go on stage with thermal pasties and fur lined g-strings. The 3.6 inch snowfall even shut down the airport prompting the Las Vegas visitors’ bureau to temporarily change their slogan to “What happens in Vegas will make you stay in Vegas, no really”.
The miserable weather only added to the problems retailers are facing this holiday season. Consumer spending is reported to be sharply down this year forcing merchants to take drastic measures to make up for slumping sales. Many stores have extended shopping hours and have offered deep discounts to spur sales. Reportedly some department stores are giving away the fragrance Heiress by Paris Hilton to attract shoppers. Actually, it turns out they are just giving it away because no one in their right mind would want to buy it. This just in…retailers are giving away the new fragrance Believe by Britney Spears, Inspire by Christina Aguilerra, and all the other tabloid darling perfumes. All, that is, except for Jessica Simpson’s Fancy because…well who doesn’t want to smell Fancy sometimes.
Speaking of fancy, Wall Street won’t have anything of the kind this bonus season. Most firms have slashed payouts as well as jobs leading many to feel less than merry this holiday season. Credit Suisse has even announced a plan to pay out bonuses from their bad debts, employing what they feel is a fair risk reward strategy. Some are speculating that other industries will follow suit in order to placate investors. In fact, it has been leaked that Kraft Foods is toying with the idea of paying out bonuses with mayonnaise and blue cheese dressing (not the low-fact kind mind you), and Tyson Foods may be paying out bonuses in chicken wings. Apparently, the executives of the two companies plan to have one hell of a Super Bowl party to celebrate!
In more unusual news, nuns who own a New York City apartment filed a lawsuit against the tenants of one of their apartment buildings, stating they are stinking up their building. The nuns say that the horrible food and other smells were similar to that of vomit or rotten meat. Apparently, when police investigated the complaint, they only found executives from Kraft and Tyson foods, who had coincidentally been wearing their surprise bonus of Jessica Simpson’s Fancy, indulging in their Christmas bonuses. Now that’s what I call a party! Happy Holidays from the Scoop!
Most of the nation has been hit hard this week with harsh winter weather not usually seen until later in the season. Cities in the Midwest and the Northeast came to a screeching halt when snow and ice knocked out power lines and affected roadways. Even Las Vegas received the worst snowfall in three decades. The weather forced topless dancers to go on stage with thermal pasties and fur lined g-strings. The 3.6 inch snowfall even shut down the airport prompting the Las Vegas visitors’ bureau to temporarily change their slogan to “What happens in Vegas will make you stay in Vegas, no really”.
The miserable weather only added to the problems retailers are facing this holiday season. Consumer spending is reported to be sharply down this year forcing merchants to take drastic measures to make up for slumping sales. Many stores have extended shopping hours and have offered deep discounts to spur sales. Reportedly some department stores are giving away the fragrance Heiress by Paris Hilton to attract shoppers. Actually, it turns out they are just giving it away because no one in their right mind would want to buy it. This just in…retailers are giving away the new fragrance Believe by Britney Spears, Inspire by Christina Aguilerra, and all the other tabloid darling perfumes. All, that is, except for Jessica Simpson’s Fancy because…well who doesn’t want to smell Fancy sometimes.
Speaking of fancy, Wall Street won’t have anything of the kind this bonus season. Most firms have slashed payouts as well as jobs leading many to feel less than merry this holiday season. Credit Suisse has even announced a plan to pay out bonuses from their bad debts, employing what they feel is a fair risk reward strategy. Some are speculating that other industries will follow suit in order to placate investors. In fact, it has been leaked that Kraft Foods is toying with the idea of paying out bonuses with mayonnaise and blue cheese dressing (not the low-fact kind mind you), and Tyson Foods may be paying out bonuses in chicken wings. Apparently, the executives of the two companies plan to have one hell of a Super Bowl party to celebrate!
In more unusual news, nuns who own a New York City apartment filed a lawsuit against the tenants of one of their apartment buildings, stating they are stinking up their building. The nuns say that the horrible food and other smells were similar to that of vomit or rotten meat. Apparently, when police investigated the complaint, they only found executives from Kraft and Tyson foods, who had coincidentally been wearing their surprise bonus of Jessica Simpson’s Fancy, indulging in their Christmas bonuses. Now that’s what I call a party! Happy Holidays from the Scoop!
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